Office Politics

My apology caught her by surprise. After a couple of weeks consulting for a company, I suggested a redesign of their entire software product line; unifying their various data formats to make the data interchangeable between all their products. A woman was head of customer service. She resisted my idea saying that their customers liked the products the way they were.

That night I pondered how to reason with her. Instead I remembered reading a book in high school. The book was “On Aggression” by Konrad Lorenz. I realized this woman was acting territorially. She was defending what was familiar territory to her. I was new. I was telling them to change, but I had merit on my side. To me it was obvious. I had an outsider’s perspective with no vested interests. The book I read also covered dominance and submission in animal behavior.

Next morning I walked into her office. I intentionally met her on her own turf. Her body language reacted defensively. I said, “I apologize.” I told her that I needed her input on satisfying customer needs. Her body language changed to cooperation. She said she had thought about my proposal and agreed that it made sense. I won without a battle, because I realized the real argument was not about the merits of my proposal but about territory. I figuratively groveled before her and surrendered all claims on her territory, and she conceded technical superiority to me. It was a win-win bloodless coup, and I gained an ally that day, by simply demonstrating respect.

Many arguments derive from misunderstandings not just conflicting opinions or values. Partnerships that don’t share common values are probably doomed. In this particular incident common ground was achieved; but it’s not always that simple, or even possible in many cases. Emotional detachment is a male trait. I looked at the problem in technical terms. Women don't tend to approach life the same way. Recognizing this gender difference was the key to overcoming a major obstacle in our working relationship.